Need implants (there’s a catch)

[Myteetharescrewed]

I’m 30 years old and desperately need dental implants due to a life of poor decision making and working loooong hours fueled by terrible energy drinks and coffee. The most effective plan is for me to get all on fours. However, being the overly dramatic person I am, I want them to be made of tungsten carbide (or some such material) and want them to be black. Not the implants that go in the jawbone themselves but the actual crowns I want to be black. My thought is, there are plenty of people with stupid tattoos in the world. Why can’t I do something stupid but different? Where/how do I get this to happen? This is a serious inquiry. And sure, you may want to tell me maybe therapy is better. I get that.